blowing off some steam

i need to vent. and the person i need to vent about is myself.

basically, i'm becoming someone i don't like. i am becoming sedentary, lackadaisical, and downright lazy. financially i'm a mess. i have had SOOO many awesome creative ideas, yet have not made any action to follow through with any them. while work is going wonderfully, all other areas are lacking. i don't like my body, i have not been taking care of myself. this last week i've started getting back to the gym and i can definitely notice a difference. and it's not a positive difference. being at home, my eating habits have been pretty much shot to hell. i watch FAR too much tv and have a building pile of books that i have yet to read. all in all, i'm dissapointed in myself. i need to get myself pointed in a better direction.

i know everything that i have to do to be who i want to be, i just need to kick myself in the ass and get myself motivated.

that's what it all boils down to. i. have. no. motivation. i have MANY reasons to be motivated, yet none of them have actually gotten me motivated to do anything. the only person who can get me out of this funk is me. i just need to be selfish. i need to spend time and energy on myself. i need to work on becoming a happier, healthier, more creative, more active me. and that's going to require some work.

i need to think about the things that i REALLY want and need. everyday my mind is in a different place. some days i am content with living at home. other days i wish so bad i will get a raise so i can move out. i think about things like relationships. i went on a couple dates a few weeks ago. nothing serious. but it really made me think about what i want. for so long all i thought was 'i want a boyfriend i want a boyfriend' but now that i really think about it, i don't want one. i see the relationships my sisters are/were in, and the idea of having someonecall me/me having to call someone every night, working all day and then having to come home, get dressed up, and go out, having someone keep tabs on where i am, what i'm doing, who i'm with.. i just don't want any of that. i'm very comfortable with my independence right now. i'm not sure if that's good or bad, but that's the way it is at the moment. i just need to focus on myself. i need to get into a more positive mindset and just feel better about who i am.

this week i plan to start. i know that all the changes i want to make are not going to happen overnight, but i figure i can at least get myself started.

this week:
- i WILL go to the gym and workout at least 3 days this week
- i WILL watch the foods that i'm eating and how much i am eating. (i REALLY need to get back on track with that)
- i WILL create a budget and start monitoring my expenditures.
- i WILL unplug my tv until i either read 3 books or lose 10lb. whichever comes first.
- i WILL start acting on my creative ideas and making them work.. even if all i do is sketch them out.

so far these are my goals. i just really really need to get myself in a good spot. while i am happy with my life and everything i have, i am just not happy with myself. so how can i expect to enjoy my life to its fullest if i can't be happy with myself?

here i go...